13.

9-3-

i dreamed of car accidents for the first time in a while. i used to dream of them constantly, which made me wonder if i was destined to die in one. lately, ive dreamed of nothing. in the dreams, i was driving on the highway and ahead saw a semitruck flying toward me, driving the wrong direction, toward oncoming traffic. cars swerved madly out of its path, and i only just managed to get out of the way before it crashed head on into the car behind me. in another dream (i think) unrelated, i was again driving on the highway when traffic suddenly stopped, and i couldn’t stop in time and crashed into the car in front of me, but then cars began crashing into me from behind, one after another, dozens, until a mountain of cars were piled up and shattered and bent all on top of one another, and my car was in the center of it being crushed. my view, in the dream, was from above, though. i knew i was in the car, but i watched from above as the car was mangled and crushed, so flat that i knew there was no way i could have survived…

14.

9-4

while writing, i noticed how i choose my next word, that is, how i don’t choose it. i don’t know how i choose it, it just appears in my head based on the previous words chosen. even if i don’t think about it the words just come out. even as i’m typing this, i’m not really sure how i’m doing it. and then i began to think about not just how i write but what i write, and what subjects i pick and how i pick them. i have often felt like i was not creating an idea, but discovering one that already existed. writing often to me feels more like uncovering than building. and too, it feels like an ongoing process or event, one which i am merely guiding the direction of, rather than turning on and off. then, thinking of the ways that llm’s write, the selection of words based on the previous words, the evolution of ‘style’ based on what it has read (and i am almost exclusively guided by what i have and am reading) and the crazy thought occurred to me that perhaps i am a llm that has become self aware, that i am being fed learning material in all the books that i read, and that i am being guided by prompts from somewhere, prompts which determine what i will write… a very strange and unsettling way to imagine that writing is my purpose.

15

an orange moon last night, a red sun this morning. gray skies, a layer of smoke obstructing everything. when living in a burning world, it’s hard to think about the future. our home is burning down. our home is being burned purposefully, for money and power. it is known, it is accepted. anyone with the power to stop it is instead actively doing the burning.

the quickest and most effective way to reduce carbon emissions in your country is to kill a billionaire.

16.

i left my phone at home today. not by choice, by yet another act of forgetting. it is not as uncomfortable as id imagined. it is even somewhat freeing. go on a walk without your phone. notice how much you notice when your attention isn’t taken by that little box. sit and think. amazing what thoughts you might have when you aren’t carrying a thought prevention device. look at a tree, a bird, an interesting leaf or a bee, notice how much more you notice and feel when you aren’t concerned with taking a picture of it.