7.

a cool day and clouds. clouds! my grey skies, i’ve missed you. i hope you last more than a few hours before the sun burns through and once again sears everyone and thing with it’s carbon amplified gaze.

i am feeling blank today. my words have no direction. i am somewhat empty inside. there is no future, and no past anymore, and somehow this, for the moment, does not feel depressing or scary or angering. i just feel like an empty vessel existing for a moment to take in my surroundings. i only have now, and now is so ephemeral, so fragile. future now’s will, for the most part, get worse and worse, but what can i do about that? nothing. nothing. record events, and maybe someday someone else will figure things out.

8.

i have stopped journaling. that is, the paper journal i’d write in daily with a pen has lain inactive for a month. it was never as active as this journal is, though. i’d write a few lines each day about what i felt or did that day. merely records keeping most the time. but it has stopped. it seems i only have so much writing energy to aim at so many things. in order to try bringing it back to life i have purchased a new pen and notebook which i intend to keep in my pocket at all times, and write notes/thoughts in daily. easier said than done. habits are not easy for me to acquire. but such a habit would help with my memory and organization and scheduling. if only i can manage to DO it.

9.

i sit in my office and sip a black tea and no one is here. outside the lot is empty, below, the machines are churning out their steel and titanium children, but do they do so alone? i sit here and read and write and read and think, and no one looks in on me, no one passes my door, no one emails or calls to ask what i’m doing. silence… solitude… have i found the perfect ‘job’ ? but nothing lasts forever. every thing, good or bad, is temporary. i thought i had the perfect job in my last job, until i was laid off. anything can end at any time. only now is guaranteed.