5.

morning. another relatively cool day. sprinkles of water on the windshield hint at recent rain, but the sky is clear for now. i leave a few minutes late with only a protein shake and coffee for company.

now in my office i look out at the empty lot below, and the red car is missing. in its place is a brownblack station wagon, as if the spot of blood has scabbed.

yesterday, a walk in the park amid clusters of police and firemen. some kind of event for public servants i suppose. tents and booths are scattered about, all populated with various uniformed authority figures, there is even a military recruiting station. i feet quite privileged to not be nervous around such a crowd of armed and historically overly violent thugs. especially in these days of encroaching fascism.

i have been considering today that i don’t do anything, and this may be why i struggle for subjects to aim my words at. walking around in a park is the height of my activity, and that can hardly be called doing anything at all. people in general, it seems, do far less than they used to. instead, we watch other’s do things, and feel a faint echo of the feelings we might feel had we done it ourself. but at zero cost or risk to us, that tiny echo of feeling seems to be a lot. and those people that we watch, they are often not even doing things either, but only pretending to do them. everything is falsity and fantasy. everything is make believe.

6.

today i think it has finally sunk in that i am capable of forgetting anything. anything. i have been this way my whole life, but i keep thinking i will remember things just because they are important. it doesn’t matter how important. any thing can be knocked out of my head at any moment. and how to even apologize for such a thing, when there’s no excuse that makes sense. sorry, i forgot? how, how? it can only seem like i don’t care. every thing MUST be written down, checked every day, or i WILL forget. can i finally believe and accept this about myself, and work to prevent it? or will i forget this too in a few days? this sick feeling of regret never seems to teach me, but maybe this time it will.