820AM – up at 640. i dream that a friend finally replies to my messages… i put on the coffee, take my pills, grab a cucumber, nuts, an apple. today S is riding in with me to her office nearby for a required in person meeting. usually she works from home. as we step out the door it is pleasantly cool. i hope it lasts. 

on the way in as we drive over a bridge i look out and see train tracks stretching off to the horizon, and on either side is a haphazard array of storage containers and old cars, spread out over dead and dusty dirt and casting long shadows in the early sun. which side is the wrong side of the tracks, i wonder. 

11AM – the lone red car is haunting me. in the vacant, silent parking lot across the street, bordered by flat gray walls with dead black windows, there in the center of it all is that bloodred splash. always in the same parking spot, out of all of them available. perhaps because it is directly in front of the black glass door that leads into the flat gray wall. what goes on in there? what kind of solitary job leaves and entire building and lot for one vehicle? 

1PM – i feel aimless today, toweek, toyear, tolife. time keeps flowing and i’ve done nothing. i just sit here as the hours drain away, the days. another day, another day. this is life and it can’t be stopped. no sir there is no pausing, never is pausing allowed. on and on and on until you’re dead and gone. this is what old people reliably say they regret, this kind of nothing. i am building a life for my future self to regret on my deathbed. 

these are the kinds of thoughts that plague me of late. my expectations for my life are probably too high in general. in reality i’ve nothing to complain about. but feelings are not based on reality and logic, unfortunately, so i still am tormented by this perception that i am wasting away, wasting my precious limited time, no matter what i do. i deeply wish that i could find a way to believe in reincarnation or some kind of continuation of the self. that kind of belief would ease this desperate ache, i’m certain it would. 

4PM – distracted all day. dozing while looking out the window. no thoughts, no progress. not every day can be shining. i suppose that many (most?) are dull. 

6PM – home, water the plants, harvest a huge zuchini, they are piling up on the kitchen counter… i eat one of our pickles while i wait for S to get ready. it is thursday, gym day, but even though my hernia no longer feels incarcerated, with no pain and no swelling, S is still insistent that I not work out until i see the doctor on the 7th. 

so i drop her off and am once again sitting here in the pub across the street. i have ordered a rhubarb strawberry cider and some fries. the cider is the perfect amount of tart and sweet, just like rhubarb itself, and the strawberry plays only a minor role. delicious. i am recently a big fan of rhubarb, somehow never really having eaten it until the very recent past, when i went to a rhubarb festival in town. 

there is no band here tonight, and the relative silence is enjoyable. the soft babble of conversation around me creates a nice aura, it is nice to be alone but not alone. 

930 PM – to the pharmacy to grab my pills, then home. there are so many cucumbers. i harvest seven fat ones from two plants, and give five of them to the neighbors. there are already fifteen sitting in the fridge. winston appears, and follows me about while I water the plants, then lounges at my feet while I grill up some zucchini and eggplant (also from the garden) with just a little salt and pepper. delicious. 

my arms and hands itch all over, a constant result of reaching among spiney zucchini and cucumber leaves. It happens  every time and lasts a couple hours. you’d think i’d learn, but i just can’t bring myself to wear gloves in the garden. i don’t like that separation between the earth and the green and me. 

11 PM – ah silence, the ringing ears. i love it. i want to slow down the rest of my life to this pace. if only i could.